Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Wednesday Thoughts

I'm going to keep it simple today. Here are my thoughts:

1. Tuuuuurkkkkkeeyyyyyyy! Last night I had fun making some chocolate caramel dipped pretzels for my coworkers:

2. I've been really T.O.ed about a couple injustices lately and I have been having a hard time holding back. One of them I've kept unwritten, social media wise, but I feel like it's gonna come out. You guys ready for some venting coming your way? Not now. But maybe some day. Liz Lemon summarized my issue perfectly in an episode of 30 Rock:

Liz: This whole thing is unfair. You're juggling two beautiful women while I have to pay to have kickballs whipped at me. This is genderinequity out the yang.  Jack: This has nothing to do with the slight difference in our genders.
Liz: Yes, it does. The older you get, the more distinguished you are. Meanwhile, I'm reading a book called Hiding Your Arms, Hiding YourAnger: Dating Over 35.  

3. Moving on. Are you guys watching The Grinder? If not, you should be. It's my favorite new show this season. Fred Savage is perfect. And Rob Lowe is playing a Chris Traeger type charactor (in the best way possible). It's hilarious. Please watch it and then talk to me about it.

4. In case you're wondering how things went at the tire place last week, here's an update: I have four new tires now. I don't want to talk about it.
5. But the timing was just right because we got a bunch of snow Saturday! New tires are good for snow.  

6. I'm plant-sitting for a coworker while he is temporarily displaced. His plant is thriving while mine increasingly looks like a decoration from the Nightmare Before Christmas. ShouldI give up on it?

One of these plants is terrifying.

Happy Wednesday.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Wednesday Thoughts

Monday morning I walked out to my car and found an unpleasant surprise.

Flat tires are totally out of my wheelhouse, pun intended. Thankfully I have family who will save me at times like this. But today, I have to go to the tire place and I am absolutely filled with dread.

Two things I abhor dealing with: cars and computers. I love them and need them but understand NOTHING about their inner workings and therefore feel very vulnerable about getting them fixed.

You're probably thinking: "you should learn something about them so you don't feel that way."

No. Not gonna.

Anyway. I've been playing out in my head the various scenarios that could happen today at the tire place. This is how I picture myself in all these situations:

I go in defensive. Friendly on the outside but really angry on the inside. I picture something like this happening:

Tire person (thinking): Uh oh, this one has crazy eyes.
Tire person (saying): How can I help you today?

So I've been doing research online this week. I have all kinds of print outs with various sections and prices highlighted. I'm ready to prove them wrong and get the best deal at every turn. But it's all pointless because I know that I know very little and can (and will) be coerced into getting whatever they tell me to get.

I'm afraid they're going to notice I'm a woman when they see me. And movies and tv have taught me that all mechanics and service representatives think that women are dummies and will take full advantage. The funny thing is, that hasn't actually been my real life experience 99% of the time but I still believe it's true. Because tv.

So anyway, if you see something on the news tonight about a woman in Ann Arbor going bananas in a tire repair place and having to be sedated.... wasn't me.

Happy Wednesday.

Monday, November 9, 2015


Is anyone there?

Wow, it feels nice to be back in this space. I can't believe I've been such a terrible blogger this year. I was so consistent for so long, but now I straight up stink at blogging. And I don't know if this is a comeback but I've been thinking about this space a lot lately, and I miss it. So maybe I'm back. Ish. Kinda like:

Microsoft Paint for the win.
 So, what have I been up to? Hmmm....

  • Working
  • Crafting
  • Dabbling at dieting
  • Crafting
  • Watching tv
  • Dealing with seasonal dry skin***
  • Christmas shopping
  • Adjusting to a new season. No idea where my ice scraper is. None, whatsoever. 

And lots o' other stuff.

***But back to the seasonal dry skin. My back gets so dry in the winter. And it's a real problem. Like, most of the time I'm fine with being single, but in the winter I start thinking, "maybe it's time to settle down. Find someone to put lotion on my back in the winter spend my life with."

 And NOT someone like this:

I'm not really looking for someone who wants to wear my skin, just to be clear. Someone whose intentions are simply to eliminate winter dryness.

This post kind of went off the rails and now I'm not sure where to go with it. I guess I'll just conclude with:

Been busy. Back is dry. Don't want to get murdered.

So, not much has changed.

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

June 30th!!

Oh my word - it's June 30th and I haven't updated my blerg a single time this month! My poor blog - so abandoned! It's going to be on one of those Mental Floss articles titled, "Check out spooky pictures of these abandoned blogs" and attached will be something like this:

I've just had a very, very busy month. I went to my phone to find photographic evidence of what I've been up to lately, but all I found was screen shots from tv shows I've been watching on my phone to send to my sister. Not exactly compelling evidence of a busy life. But can you blame me for having to capture this classic Jessica Fletcher look from an episode of Murder, She Wrote?

Or this hilarious shirt Tracey is wearing in an episode of 30 Rock:

Did I tell ever you about the time I accidentally referred to George W. Bush as George W. Smith? It happened on New Year's Eve, 2014, if that means anything, and I don't think it does.  Also (and this is important), I said the name with conviction. George W. Smith. What happened to my brain that day remains a scientific mystery.

But really, things have been very busy at work this month. And then suddenly last week, I got really sick! In the summer time!! I was outraged.

Anyway, here's my June post. I've saved my blog for one more month. Hopefully next month I'll have at least two posts.

Happy June 30th.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Violent Earth

Back in high school, we had an eclectic group of substitute teachers. Some were "normal" and some were anything but. One of them, who I'll call Mr. Mob, would try to convince us that he used to work for the goon squad. We all figured it was just an attempt to scare us into staying in line. And this wouldn't have worked except that he was actually a pretty cool guy. He was laid back, quirky, and the whole goon squad thing was probably a joke, but just in case it wasn't....

Anyway, one day I walked into my earth science class to see Mr. Mob writing on the chalkboard. In true substitute teacher fashion, the agenda for the day was to watch a video. If memory serves me, the video was called "Violent Earth" and was about earthquakes. Since Mr. Mob was no ordinary substitute teacher, he had illustrated the name of the video on the chalkboard in a colorful fashion:

It was at that moment that I learned something valuable: The earth could be violent. And class would be easy that day. And Mr. Mob wasn't that great of an artist. But mostly, the earth could be violent.

Fast forward to the present.

Last Saturday after the farmers market, my sister, Katherine, was helping me load up my car. On the grass by the curb, there was a trench where some pipe or wires had been laid and the soil hadn't been filled back in. After almost tripping in it, I warned Katherine to watch out.

About 7 seconds later, my foot got caught in the trench, and I fell to my knees:

Ok, at this point, here's what normally would have happened: I would have laughed at my clumsiness and stood up. But no. That happened to be when the violent earth struck and Michigan experienced a very rare phenomenon: an earthquake.

It was 12:22. Confused about what was happening, I hit the ground then I started rolling. I was out of control! I couldn't stop myself! I rolled right down into the street, where I lay, laughing hysterically at the ridiculousness of it all.

I was also a bit confused. Why couldn't I stop myself from falling? It was strange.

A little bit later, I started seeing updates on social media, "Did anyone feel that earthquake?" At first I thought I hadn't felt it but then it all started to add up! The timing of it was exactly right. I hit the ground, THE EARTH SHOOK, and I fell to my death. Or rather, I rolled over the curb.

Katherine, who witnessed the whole thing, said that it had nothing to do with the earthquake, but what would she know?

Here's the evidence: 

1. The timing - I tumbled into the road at the exact same time the earthquake hit (I think)

2. WHY would I fall so much if the earth wasn't being cray-cray?
3. That's all. I just felt like two points weren't enough. 

So, while everyone else was sharing memes like this...:

...I'm remembering laying in the gutter like a drunken Edgar Allen Poe that fateful day... the day the Violent Earth took me down.

Friday, May 1, 2015

On why it's hard to have a political opinion

I'm scared. We're in the season of a presidential election already. Goodbye, friendships! Goodbye, Facebook news feed! Goodbye calm, rational group conversations!

You know what's also scary? Forming an opinion about a candidate and telling someone. I mean, it's one thing to be an observer. It's another to express participation in the process. Here's a terribly drawn comic I made to demonstrate what often seems to happen:

Or it might go like this:

Person A: You know who I like?
Person B: Who?
A: So-and-so
B: What!?! What about that time they ____________?
A: Oh.. Well, I'm not sure about that. I know that I like this, this, and that about them though.
B: But what about this, this, and that? 
A: Well, from what I heard, they had a reason for that (and the reason was)...
B: But what about the fact that they hate Mexicans?

B: Well, they hate tacos. Or at least, they hate Taco Bell. Well, they hate Taco's Bell's Mexican pizza. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT?
A: Well... it is kind of soggy.

Or maybe, heaven forbid, you know ten things you like about the person, and three things you don't really like. How do you answer for those three things? Because if you tell anyone you like that candidate and they disagree, they WILL bring those three things up and because you said you liked that person, you may as well have done those things yourself.

Or you have to defend your patriotism.

B: You like that candidate? You must hate America. Have you never read the Constitution!? 
A: No, have you?
B: No, but I've heard things.

Another possibility is that you'll have to defend the candidate's character.

A: I think I'm going to vote for __________.
B: But he/she cut in line for the slide when he/she was in third grade!
A: Oh. I guess I was just voting based on their voting records and social changes. I didn't realize I had to go so far back.
B: Idiot.(Walks off humming "Proud to be an American.")

It seems to me that there are three ways to avoid the scrutiny of having an opinion about a candidate:

1. Know everything about that person and be prepared to defend everything they've ever done.
2. Only know one thing about that person but care SO much about it that everyone knows there's no point arguing with you.
3. Know almost nothing about politics but be so passionate about politics people realize there's no point arguing with you.

I'm thinking of voting for Bernie Sanders because I think he might be related to Colonel Sanders and could possibly get our national bird changed to the chicken. Is that a good enough reason? TRY arguing with me about chicken. Just try. (Just demonstrating points 2 and 3.)

The thing is, most conversations with people who you strongly disagree with are pointless. This past week's episode of This American Life is called, "The Incredible Rarity of Changing Your Mind," and it talks about this very subject. If you want to vote for Hillary, and someone else wants to vote for Mitt (I know he's not running but I don't know any other Republicans)... is there any point in having a conversation? I mean, the point of the conversation will be to either defend your opinion or try to change theirs, right? Will either person come out with good feelings at the end?

Am I getting too jaded, or is this everyones experience?

I'll just be hiding in a tepee for the next year or so, keeping my opinions to myself until it's all over. Or at least, I'll try.

In the meantime, let's listen to a patriotic tune we can all get behind:

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

iPod Confessions

Like most humans with the ability to hear, I love music. I have a wide variety of tastes in music, and have a really hard time categorizing my taste. If I had to, I'd say, "All, but only a little country."

I was looking at my iPod and saw some wild inconsistencies in my tastes. I have something like eight or nine hundred songs downloaded, so there's no way I could go over the list that closely - no one has time for that. But I scrolled through my ipod (phone) and made some lists in case you are REALLY bored today!

Please especially take note of the second group if you're looking for new music.

Top 7 most embarrassing finds:
1. Boyfriend - Justin Bieber
3. Several songs by Miley Cyrus... and.....
4. Some One Direction and even worse.....
5. Several more songs by Justin Bieber (other than the one already listed)
6. We built this city - Starship (I should be more embarrassed about this song than I am)
7. Several Britney Spears songs

Top songs I most recommend you listen to (my favorites) (if I made you a mix tape, this is what would be on it):
1. All the girls are complicated -Laura Cantrell
2. Dance me to the end of love - Madeleine Peyroux
3. Don't stop me now - Queen
4. Hands in pockets - Laura Gibson
5. Hey Brother - Avicii
6. Horchata - Vampire Weekend
7. Lily (Con Estrella Morente) - Chico & Rita New York Band & Orchestra
8. Little things - Pomplamoose
9. Love of mine - Nickel Creek
10. Out in the Twilight - Tally Hall
11. Simple Girl - Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr.
12. Space Oddity - David Bowie
13. Scarecrow - Counting Crows
14. Still - Gretchen Parlato
15. Surrey with the fringe on top - Blossom Deary
16. Tapioca Tundra - the Monkees
17. Truckstop gospel - Parker Millsap
18. Wild child - Brett Dennen
19. Domino Man - The Beautiful South

1. Fancy - Iggy Azalea
2. All about that bass - whatshername
3. Happy - Pharrell
4. Royals - Lorde (make it stop)
5. Take me to church - Hozier

Top 3 most random songs:
1. The Courtship of Eddie's Father (theme song)
2. Hail to the chief - US marine band
3. Snowbird - Anne Murray

Top what was I thinking when I downloaded this song??
1. Bed intruder song - Antoine Dodson
2. Down - Jay Sean (what the!?)
3. I gotta a feeling - Black Eyed Peas (omg)
4. Lollipop - Lil Wayne (ew - don't listen to this song. What was I thinking!?!)
5. My style - Black Eyed Peas (oh my gosh, I have two songs by them on my ipod?? who am i?!)

Top 12 nostalgia (school days) songs:
1. All I want - Toad the Wet Sprocket
2. Cornflake girl - Tori Amos
3. Eternal flame - The Bangles
4. Fall on me - REM
5. Find the river - REM
7. Hole hearted - Extreme
8. To be with you - Mr. Big (still love this song so, so much - just TRY to listen to it without singing along. Can't be done. Physically impossible.)
9. I'd die without you - PM Dawn
10. Shake the disease - Depeche Mode
11. Spoonman - Soundgarden
12. All songs by Jellyfish

Top TURN IT UP songs:
1. Back in black - AC/DC
2. Houses of the holy - Led Zeppelin
2. Closer to the Heart - Rush
4. Doctor Feelgood - Motley Crue
5. It's tricky - Run DMC
6. Sabatoge - Beastie Boys
7. E-pro - Beck
8. ALL Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, and Rush songs - too many to list

Random iPod observation:
There's a lot of music by: Counting Crows, They Might be Giants, Disney movies, boy bands, Jellyfish, Led Zeppelin, Metalica, John Mayer, Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Billy Idol, Simon and Garfunkel, and Kanye West (?!). And even some Eminem.

I would love to hear about some of your iPod confessions if you feel like sharing.